Our lives were changing dramatically. It was no longer just Matt and me, and we needed to make some pretty big changes to accommodate our growing number. It was time to give the girls their own space. We bought two twin beds, girlie bed linens, curtains, books, and toys to set up a little girls’ room for them to sleep and play in.

We got their room finished just in time for the girls’ nine-day stay at our home. Their grandparents were taking a trip and had asked us to care for the girls while they were away. I really could not believe that Matt and I were being entrusted with the care of the girls for NINE days. Nine days! We were nervous. And really, really excited.We continued to establish a family rhythm during those nine days-waking, eating, getting dressed, brushing teeth, getting to school, sleeping…. All the daily tasks. I knew how to do those things for myself. I knew how to care for my husband (most of the time.) But I had a lot to learn about how to care for two three-year-old girls. They woke up so early! There seemed to be so many hours in the day to keep them busy. They wanted to be with me all the time. By my side. I felt unsure of when I should get myself fed or dressed. When did I brush my teeth?

During this same period of time, it became apparent that becoming foster parents could be risky. The county could potentially place the girls with another foster family, and neither the grandparents, nor us were willing to take that risk. We had grown so attached to the girls, and them to us, that we wanted to take precautions where it was possible. So instead, we decided to pursue legal guardianship. This seemed to be a more secure situation for us and for the girls. So we found a lawyer and made an appointment.So many events were happening during this busy, crazy time. We traded in our sedan for a minivan, met with our attorney, began the task of filling out another mountain of paperwork, and continued spending more and more time with the girls.

They began refer to Matt as “Daddy.” That was such a sweet word to hear uttered from their lips. And I loved watching Matt take on the role of “Daddy.” He was such a natural. But they weren’t calling me “Mommy” yet, and I have to admit, that was hard for me.

Also, we needed to find a new home for one of our dogs, Lulu. She was cute and lots of fun, but a bit unpredictable around children. She would growl and snap, and we were afraid she might bite. So, off she went, to live on a farm in Fresno. We were sad to see her go, but knew this was a necessary part of transitioning into our new family.

Next a county social worker visited our home. She questioned us and the girls and checked out our space. She was vague and a bit aloof. Not exactly unfriendly, but not exactly warm either. We wondered what she was thinking and what she would report to the court.

And then the girls came to live with us full time! Even though the guardianship wasn’t finalized, our attorney thought it would be fine if they officially moved in. We gradually brought items over from their room at Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house. They began sleeping over at the grandparents’ house once or twice a week. We allowed them to take items back and forth between the two homes whenever they wanted, so they would feel a sense of continuity. We continued to learn how to be together 24 hours a day.

It was wonderful, amazing, and very difficult. I remember one day I stopped to get a sandwich for lunch before work and preschool. I had the girls with me. In the middle of the sandwich shop both girls broke into tears, screaming and writhing on the floor. I was stunned. I had no idea what was going on or what I should do. I hadn’t learned to read their moods, to know if they were hungry or tired or sick or angry. I was so bewildered. It was such an emotional time for all of us. I smiled at the cashier, grabbed my sandwich and hustled out to the car. I don’t think I’ve been back to that sandwich shop since.

The court date was set. I took the day off work. Matt took the day off work. I was anxious and unsure of what it would be like to sit in a courtroom and talk to a judge. I wrote Christmas thank you notes to my students to keep busy while we waited for our turn. I had a headache and felt exhausted.

When the judge called us up, he was kind and affirming. But he said our court date would have to be continued for another day because of an unresolved issue. Our new court date was set for two months later. We left the courthouse disappointed, but hopeful. So, we would wait two months for the next court date. We had plenty to keep us busy. Learning how to feed, bathe, console, teach, and understand two little girls was more than a full time job. In addition, Matt and I were trying to understand ourselves and each other in our new roles as parents. It was a challenge we accepted gladly, but also a job that required us to give every little bit of ourselves.

The next court date arrived. Again we were hopeful, but nervous. The issue from the previous court date remained unresolved. We hoped the judge would grant us the guardianship, but it was possible he might decide to reschedule the court date again.

By God’s grace, the judge was willing to accept our attorney’s testimony in place of a particular document. We were overjoyed when the judge appointed us as the legal guardians to these sweet twin girls. We were already living like a family, loving each other as a family, and it was reassuring to have the court system recognize us as a family.

Legal guardianship can be reversed, or it can continue until the child turns eighteen. We were given the right to make decisions regarding the girls’ medical needs and education. We were allowed to take the girls on trips-even out of the state. But there was still a possibility that the situation could change, and they would no longer be with us.

Legally, we would need to be their guardians for at least a year, maybe two, before we could begin the process of adoption. While this felt like such a long time to wait, we were so grateful to be able to be with girls every day, to tuck them into bed at night and to scramble their eggs and make their toast every morning. God had made us a family, had provided for every detail along the way, was giving us the strength and wisdom to be parents. We could trust Him as we waited and hoped for adoption.

chapter four coming soon!

click here to read chapter two and chapter one!

When we arrived at the birthday party, we sat around eating and catching up with friends while all the kids ran around and played. We had been at the party for about 30 minutes when I saw, through a glass door, a little head peek over the top of a couch. I thought the unfamiliar little girl was beautiful, but I didn’t realize until later (when I saw both girls) that she was one of the twins.

The party continued, we ate and opened presents and talked. Throughout the entire afternoon and evening I kept looking and hoping for an opportunity to talk with the girls. I really wanted to, but it just didn’t happen. The party started to wind down and guests started to leave. I didn’t want to go. I needed to stay. I wanted to be with the girls longer.

After all the guests had left, Matt and I found ourselves sitting with Les and Debbie and his parents. The twins were nearby, curled up under blankets, asleep in front of the TV. We started explaining to Les’ parents about our desire to be foster parents and our process of applying. We offered to babysit the girls anytime, so they could have a quiet evening out, and we could practice caring for children together. The six of us talked for a while, but finally we had to go. I walked out of the house wondering if I would ever see those precious little girls again.

About a week later, I left on a trip to the desert with my sisters, Lisa, Ellen, and Susan. It is a yearly tradition for the four of us to get away somewhere each summer, just the girls. We all look forward to it all year.

We were doing our sister thing, which includes lots of lazing around, eating, and talking. We had been in the desert for a day and a half, completely content, enjoying each others’ company and the chance to be away, when I got a phone call from Matt. Grandpa (Les’ dad) had called and asked if Matt and I would be able to babysit the following evening. But I wasn’t supposed to arrive back home for two more days. I told Matt I would call him right back.

I was not sure at all what I was supposed to do. Our sister vacations were sacred. I couldn’t just announce that I was leaving early. But I knew there was something special about these girls, and I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to spend an evening with them. I was so torn.

I explained the situation to my sisters, sure that they would urge me to stay and finish our trip. Sure that they would assure me there would be other opportunities to babysit the girls. And I knew that was what I would do. But, to my complete surprise, they had the opposite response. They told me I should pack my bags and leave early. They felt I should go back home and spend the evening with Matt and the girls.

I was so, so grateful to them for their understanding and support. I felt so much peace about the decision to cut the trip short. And I was beside myself with anticipation at the opportunity to spend a whole evening with the girls.

Matt and I pulled up to their house the next evening, full of nervousness and anticipation. As we entered the house, the girls ran and cowered behind their grandparents. They were just as anxious as we were.

Grandpa and Grandma got ready to leave as the girls questioned them repeatedly about how long they would be gone. Grandma gave us the lowdown on when to give them their bath, their milk, their dessert, there bedtime story and song….

And then we were alone with the girls.

We all went outside to play. The girls rode their tricycles, we kicked around their soccer balls together, and played Ring Around the Rosie, falling and laughing on the grass. Matt hoisted them up over and over to shoot baskets. It was completely joyful and magical.

Then we went back inside the house to eat some chocolate pudding. Later, I filled up the bathtub with warm water and marveled at how surreal it was to be washing their hair. I loved caring for them. I loved them. I didn’t want the night to end.

They fell fast asleep and Matt and I floated home on a cloud. It was an amazing time of being together, the four of us. We were smitten.

I absolutely could not wait to see them again. I thought about them constantly and wondered what they were doing. I hoped each day that Grandma or Grandpa would call and ask us to babysit. I waited and waited. But weeks went by and we didn’t hear anything. I started to wonder if that was it, just one night of babysitting. I couldn’t bear the thought. And I couldn’t wait any longer. So, I worked up the courage and called Grandma and Grandpa.I really, really wanted to babysit the girls again. I thought, “I’ll just call and see how the girls and their grandparents are doing. There’s no harm in that.” I chatted with Grandma and then casually (or as casually as I could) asked if there was another night we could babysit. Grandma mentioned a possible date the following month.

Wait a month? That was so far away! I practically begged to know if there was a time Matt and I could come over sooner. Maybe Grandma sensed my urgency or my desperation. Maybe she thought I was pushy. But she mentioned that they had baseball season tickets and wondered if we would like to care for the girls while they attended the games. She gave me the next ten dates of the baseball games.

I was ecstatic. TEN dates scheduled to babysit! Ten opportunities to spend time with the girls and get to know them. Ten! I didn’t care what else might already have been on the calendar. Every other event was second priority to being with the girls. We would get to see them about twice a week for the next five weeks.

Each time we came over to babysit, we all got a little more comfortable. The girls would greet us more enthusiastically, we started to develop a routine, we were becoming friends with the girls and their grandparents. It was so, so incredibly sweet.

During this time we took the girls on our first big outing to the small neighborhood zoo. We borrowed Grandma’s car so we could use her car seats. It was such a strange sensation, buckling them up and driving around town. It wasn’t just Matt and me in the front seats. There were two little people in the back seat. Kids. We’d never driven with children in the car before. It was wild. And scary. And so, so fun.

Our morning at the zoo was a blast. We held hands with them and carried them, snapped photos of them, watched the monkeys and the emus together, rode the train, bought them little toy cameras at the gift shop, and basically relished every moment being together.

Predicting there might be more outings in our future together, Matt and I decided to take the plunge and purchase two car seats to put in my car. When I went to Babies R Us to buy the car seats, I felt so unsure of myself. I felt like a fraud, someone trying to pretend to be a mom, but really just a babysitter. My head was so mixed up. I was so happy, so hopeful, and yet so unsure, so anxious of what the future might (or might not) hold. “But,” I reasoned, “Even for a regular sitter, car seats were very useful.” So I went ahead and bought them. All the time I was looking at the other “real” parents walking around the store and wishing I could be one of them.Matt and I continued babysitting the girls regularly. Every chance we got to spend with them was cherished. Both of us had fallen completely in love with them. But I was impatient. I missed them when I had to go a whole day with out seeing them. I wondered where these relationships were going.

One afternoon, after a few weeks had gone by, without thinking, I just asked. I asked Grandma and Grandpa if they had considered the possibility of allowing Matt and me to care for the girls. I’m not sure why I asked at that moment. I wasn’t planning to ask. The words just came out before I could stop them.

And then they responded that they would like us to be the girls’ foster parents.

I felt like my head spun around three times. It was too good to be true. They could live in our house? We could see them everyday? We could be their parents? It took me several minutes to comprehend the words. I felt numb and overwhelmed and joyful beyond words.

Matt and I started to pursue our certification for foster parenting with a passion. And we continued to spend time with the girls regularly. They visited our house with their grandparents for dinner for the first time, and Grandma enrolled them in the preschool on the same campus where I teach.

And we finally introduced the girls to my family. My mom and dad were hosting a backyard BBQ, so we took the girls along with us. The girls fit in perfectly with all the rowdy chaos. They had fun playing with all my nieces and nephews in the sprinklers and chasing the tortoise around the backyard. They both felt especially comfortable with my dad. It was so sweet to watch my family reach out to them and love them as much as we did.

Grandma, Grandpa, Matt and I decided it would be a good idea to have the girls sleep over at our house for a trial run. I couldn’t wait. I planned out the entire evening and morning down to the minute. Here is the actual schedule:

4:00 swim at grandma and grandpa’s house
6:00 feast on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grapes, carrots, applesauce, yogurt, and fishy crackers (their favorites)
6:30 play at the park
7:15 go get frozen yogurt
8:00 bath time
8:30 make wooden beaded necklaces
9:00 movie

We did all the things I had scheduled. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and I was too overwhelmed to deviate from the plan. I think I actually had the schedule written on a piece of paper in my pocket. That’s how scared I was.

They went to bed quietly, and we didn’t hear from them until 7:20 the next morning. All through the night, I could barely comprehend that there were two little girls curled up under the covers in the guest room. I checked on them every hour, so I barely got any sleep. I was so nervous they would wake up and be scared. But they made it. We all made it!

chapter three coming soon!

click here to read chapter one!

we just introduced the new chosen {adoption} necklace and we’re thrilled with the response! my twin sister chrissie has agreed to share her miracle story of adoption with us! it’s such a beautiful story. these are her words…

Matt and I got married, and marriage was sweet. I felt a beautiful sense of “home” being married to my love and my best friend. We took trips, ate out with friends, and spent quiet nights at home. We enjoyed being a family, the two of us. We were content. We still wanted to have kids, just not yet. Maybe next year, or in two years.

Five years passed. I felt as content as ever, being married to my wonderful husband. Our lives felt whole. Our friends started to have babies, but the time just didn’t feel right for us yet. I just wasn’t ready. It felt too soon. I thought maybe in a year or so, I’d be ready to start having children.

Another couple years went by. Our friends were having their second and third children. People started asking us questions more and more frequently and giving us advice. “How long have you been married?” “When are you going to have kids?” “Are you able to have kids?” Are you pregnant?” “I heard you’re expecting!” “Are you trying to get pregnant?” “What’s holding you back?” “Why are you waiting so long?” “Don’t wait too much longer.” “Just go for it.” Everyday I faced these questions, everywhere I went.

I began to feel an immense, overwhelming amount of pressure, and I was utterly confused. “What’s wrong with me? When will I be ready to start having children? What if I’m never ready? I’m past thirty. I’m getting older. What’s wrong with us? What am I supposed to do?” I was completely consumed with self-doubt, frustration, and sadness.As hard as I tried, I couldn’t make myself ready to have a child. I couldn’t muster the desire to get pregnant. It just wasn’t there. I couldn’t picture my belly growing or delivering a child. I thought about pregnancy and motherhood constantly. I loved children, so why didn’t I want to be pregnant? I began to think that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother.

Matt and I talked about the possibility that we wouldn’t ever have children. I felt mostly fine with it. I felt a peace about just being the two of us. Life together was full and sweet, and there were plenty of opportunities to teach and nurture children in capacities other than parenting. I was still teaching and working in the nursery at church. I had nieces and nephews I adored.

Maybe God had taken away our desire to have children because he had a different plan for us. I began to try to settle into this new way of thinking, “Okay, so we probably won’t have kids.” Of all the situations I could conjure up, this made the most sense. We would be one of those couples that never had kids. We would march to the beat of our own drummer. We didn’t have to fit into the pattern that culture laid out. We could be different and that could be good. I told myself all of these things, and I believed them. Or mostly believed them.

Until one Sunday a few months later when everything changed. We were eating lunch in a Mediterranean restaurant near our house. My face was buried in my hands and I was sobbing uncontrollably into my hummus. (Fortunately, the restaurant was almost completely empty.) Matt listened patiently and with concern as I blubberingly spewed all my thoughts and feelings. He listened and nodded and listened and stared at me, wondering if I had completely lost it.We decided to go the foster care route. My good friends, Paul and Tracy, had been foster parents and recommended we use the same agency they went through. Tracy gave me the phone number, and I filed it in my planner. All I needed to do was work up the courage to call.

I was nervous. I had no idea what I was doing, and I worried that I wouldn’t be qualified to be a foster parent. A couple days later, on my lunch break, hands trembling, I dialed the number for the foster agency. I stumbled over my words, trying to articulate the fact that my husband and I wanted to be foster parents. We made an appointment with a case worker to come visit our home to interview us and do an initial home inspection.

I started cleaning, organizing, and trying to make us appear to be the perfect couple. I worried that I was too fat, not good-looking enough, too old, and a whole bunch of other superficial details that have nothing to do with being a loving parent.

The interview was simple enough, a few basic questions and explanations. We took our case worker around our home, and she pointed out different areas where would need to make adjustments to ensure safety for children-outlet covers, locks on cabinets, decals on glass doors, and on and on. She was very friendly and affirming. She gave us a stack of papers an inch thick to start filling out.

We got right to work on the papers, answering personal question after invasive, personal question, and getting the house ship shape. We also started telling family and close friends about our plan to become foster parents. As you can imagine, we received a wide range of responses. Most were supportive, some concerned, some discouraging, some knowing a child who needed a home and hoping it might work out with us. Everyone with an opinion. My level of excitement and fear never waned. Daily I continued to do research and pray and dream.

During this time, I took a trip by myself to the central coast to visit my twin sister, Lisa. On the drive up I was chatting on the phone with my friend, Michele. We were catching up, talking about everything and nothing. At one point she mentioned that our friend, Les, had twin nieces who were staying with his parents for awhile. She said their names and told me they were three years old.

It was just a passing comment, just an update, an aside. But I couldn’t get their names out of my head. It seemed like there was something there. I can’t explain it. Something stirred in my heart. Have you ever had that sort of reaction to an otherwise ordinary situation? These little girls, whom I had never met, were already in my heart. I couldn’t wait to meet them.

chapter two coming soon!